Month: July 2018

Silent Scream: “My anxiety is winning.”

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Hello everyone!

This week has been a whirlwind of self-reflection, more than usual. I am very aware of myself, to the point of where I am constantly apologizing for myself and rushing myself along as if I am taking up space. [It is insane.]

There are moments when I wish I could just interact with people and things without investing myself entirely in them. Meaning, if someone would tell me that they are struggling with something, I could offer some advice and support without constantly feeling the need to intercede and check up on them. Meaning, that I would not over obsess about making sure things are getting done correctly so that all involved will be happy.

I cannot control everything, I know this, but my anxiety does not listen or rest.

5 things I did this week to ease my mind:

  1. Water Aerobics– I made the conscious effort of getting myself outside and moving. I was welcomed by the refreshing feeling of my pool’s belly as I floated weightlessly. There were birds flying by and planes making their way across. Children were laughing in the distance and the leaves upon the tree branches were waving delicately. I had one of those —- why don’t I always do this, moments.
  2. Drink More Water– My husband gifted me a Soji Energy water bottle. This specific one has a citrine quartz crystal in it. It is supposed to promote abundance and mindfulness. I am still learning and deciding if I truly believe in the power of crystal infused water, however, it represents a step towards wellness and that is enough for me! Staying hydrated really calmed down the self-inflicted headaches I give myself.
  3. Find Creative Outlets– I have always written, but I made more of a point to write in my journals and not in the notes section of my phone. I rediscovered the joys of scribbling my thoughts upon paper and attempting to draw, which I am terrible at. I even dabbled with designing t-shirts on teespring.com. It kept my mind busy and helped me relieve some tension.
  4. Make Fun Plans- I tend to push leisurely gatherings aside for those of whom I feel need my assistance with something. It is a bittersweet habit because I am getting relief from helping others, but I am not putting myself in situations where I can be helped. Does that make sense? Do you find yourself doing this too? It is okay to have fun! Do not lose sight of this, I cannot believe that I do at times.
  5. Say Yes to Myself- I had to remember to treat myself kindly. Just recently this summer, I started getting my nails done regularly. I used to brush it off and say that it is a waste of money and that it was “materialistic.” I had to remind myself that glamorous things do not take away from what I have to offer as a person. I find that it enhances my attitude towards myself, and in return, allows me to be kinder to others.

I am a little conflicted. There is a hate/love relationship I am having with anxiety. I feel like it should not hold me back but on the other hand, I believe we must let it fuel us. We should allow it to help us continue to re-create ourselves along with it. I will continue feeling each emotion and caring for others but I will also continue revising my techniques and approaches. I will continue anticipating things going wrong, at least in the long run, it helps me stay prepared. [ win-win ]

Personally, having anxiety has taught me that I just simply care too much, and I have decided that I will not apologize for it anymore.

Anxiety has given me many sets of new eyes, but mainly good ones. Ones that help me look through fake masks and public images. Ones that allow me opportunities to see and help those who are too afraid to ask. It may cause me to become obsessed and overly involved, but I would not want it any other way! Sure, there are still many kinks I will need to work out but the bottom line is that I must not leave myself behind. As long as anxiety is winning, I must win with it.

Find what fuels you today. I hope you enjoyed hearing about my journey with anxiety and I wish you all the best in whatever you are living with today. Do not leave yourself behind!

Love, Ashley.

Curious about Teespring.com?

  • Teespring allows people to design and sell shirts, pillows, mugs and other items without any upfront costs. Here are some examples of my designs, I feel like writers need more cute choices, perhaps you could be the person to design some for us?

 

Silent Scream: It is okay to be a little “extra” about things. Treat yourself!

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Hello all, I hope you enjoyed your week!

Here’s a question: Does it matter what a cup looks like as long as the contents inside it are safe, tasty and satisfying?

  • Perhaps you said yes because you are questioning its size or cleanliness, or maybe you are worried the cup may have an undesired image printed on it.
  • Or perhaps, you said no. Simply because you are thirsty and it will not kill you.

Why am I questioning you, or maybe even making you thirsty?

Well, I wanted to remind you that being a little “extra” is not always a bad thing. To demonstrate my point, I will show you what my sister and I did to surprise my parents with a little home makeover. (Scroll down to see the results if you wanna skip ahead.) I am not here to toot my own horn, my point is to remind you what a little extra tender love and care can do. My sweet parents came here from Laos where they grew up poor and lived very practically. If there was anything thrown out by anyone else but still functional, you better bet it found its way into our home! My childhood home was not decorated like the homes of my friends, and my birthday parties were not the most aesthetically pleasing, but I still technically had everything I ever needed. (Thank you Mom and Dad)

Why be extra?

Here’s some more self-reflection:

Think about the last party you attended. Did the cups match? How about the decor, was there a noticeable theme?

Let’s go even further and think about less scheduled settings, like your own set of cups you use to serve your guests. Do you serve nice drinks to your guests in reusable yellow Dickey’s BBQ plastic cups, or maybe one from Fuzzy’s Tacos? Oh I sure do hope not. If so, I hope they are the people you consider family.

Why should this matter? What difference does it make? Let’s go beyond cups and think about greater things like our homes, our physical bodies and the way we treat ourselves and others.

Here are 5 reasons why I believe the extra effort matters:

  1. It keeps life interesting and sets the mood. Redundant things feel more important.
  2. Life suddenly feels a little less chaotic and things seem put together.
  3. It creates an environment that is more exciting and inviting.
  4. It makes me feel more confident and inspires me to be more daring.
  5. Because, why the heck not?!

Had enough self-reflection and ready to see the difference some effort makes after something sits untouched for 10+ years?

Below, you will find the results of the home makeover my sister, my husband and I gave my parents. I am not saying my Mom and Dad are slobs or careless beings, they are simply two hard-working people who gave their children the world and simply did the least for themselves. You will see the green paint, I once purposely choose for our living room way back when I was still living there during my middle school days. [ Remember when tan walls were the thing? ] You will see how years and years of useless items pile up. But what you may not see is how much better my parents feel about themselves when they return home from a tiring day at work and how confident they are about inviting their friends over now.

Before:

This setting has been this way for the longest time. The wall decor was dusty and there were dead bugs upon the windowsill.
The TV console was purchased by my sister years ago and the side table came from my old apartment and what sits on it is as questionable and the tacky wall portraits that hang on the wall.
Take notice of this dark paint color my Dad chose on his own and how he painted the whole wall ignoring the textured wall divider. These things do not occur to those who just need walls to function as they should. Also, the shelving units filled with years and years of old junk.
This is me with the first brush stroke, ready to give my deserving parents something nice to call their own.
It was time to move this old computer unit out of the dining room! Bye!

After:

The walls are now bare looking but I am happy about the colors I chose to give interest to this wall.
Ignore the different flooring here but perhaps this corner space makes more sense. We found this shelving unit at Walmart, along with the black metal one to the right.
A mounted TV is a luxury to my Father. It seems so simple but it makes such a big difference. Literally every television on my own home is mounted. It is not even a second thought. You see how being a little extra can be a huge deal?!
It was so nice to go through old photos with my parents to fill these photo frames I bought from Michaels.
Still in need of new wall decor, but a great start. Yes, I know the rug is quite small and ill fitting. HAHA!

This is how we spent our past weekend. Of course, my parents would not have allowed us to do this if they had known. This is the result of months of planning and piling things up secretly at my house. We also bought new things for other parts of their home but these are the main rooms that were transformed the most.

Where did we do our shopping?

Lowes, Ross, Michaels, Home Goods, Tuesday Morning, Kirklands, Target and Walmart.

Why the obnoxious demonstration?

BECAUSE WE DESERVE TO TREAT OURSELVES!

  • Go ahead and organize that little pile of paper that sits upon your workspace.
  • Align your shoes.
  • Leave funny post-its for your friends at work or at home.
  • Open the blinds and windows and let the light shine in.
  • Go for a walk down that one path you always thought about trying.
  • Go buy yourself some fresh pairs of matching socks.
  • Get a hair-cut.
  • Get your nails done.
  • Take a long hot bath.
  • Purchase a new couch pillow.
  • Get some new clothes.
  • Purchase a new gadget.
  • Shamelessly eat a pint of ice-cream.
  • Try a new restaurant, or try something different on the menu.
  • Try a new hairstyle.
  • Remodel your own home, start with a little tiny space at a time.

Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Allow a few more silly things to matter, it is okay and it is more important than we choose for it to be! It is wonderful that you love others, but do not dare leave yourself behind.

Love always,

Ashley.

Silent Scream: “Oh great, I have gained too much weight.”

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Have you heard of the Ketogenic Diet? Well, it is a way of eating that I have come to know very well. It has helped me lose a total of 16 pounds so far this summer! I may, or may not have gained a few back… but let’s just stay on the bright side here.

It was not until I got a horrible ear infection that I went to see a doctor, just for him to nicely point the conversation in the direction of…. my weight at the time. [ Dun, dun, chicken-fried thunder thighs ] Suddenly, I was being spoken to like someone who was no longer human or a person who has never been healthy. Ugh, my ear ache was not the only thing making me nauseous. I died inside.

But, it was the kick in the butt that I needed.

Life happened. Food happened. Lack of motivation and lack of time took its evil toll on me. Then, a friend at church was getting noticeably thinner and I HAD to know what he was doing. He mentioned this diet and how it was “high in fat,” and I thought to myself— this guy is crazy, is he kidding me? Once I got home, I began my research and decided that I was going to give this a shot, and long nights of reading articles and watching YouTube videos were born.

I could sit here and break down this diet and define it for you but I have decided not to. Because I believe that we are all built differently and are on different paths in our lives. What works for me, might not work for you. What I think is attractive might not ruffle your feathers. You may already know about this diet and do not agree with it. That is totally understandable and if you strongly believe it is not the way to go, please let me know why. Regardless, I wish you the best on your journey, whatever situation you are in.

Here are some struggles (silent screams) that taunt me. Maybe you agree with some of these or know someone who might currently be haunted by these.

Top 5 annoyances (loud whispers) that came with my weight gain:

  1. The fitting room became my enemy.
  2. I thought cardigans were my best friend, even when it was super hot outside.
  3. I no longer could find a comfortable bra. Ironically, I found sports bras fit the best.
  4. People treated me differently.
  5. I started to doubt myself more often.

Reasons why these 5 things no longer bring me down:

  1. (The fitting room became my enemy.) So what the clothes do not fit, “like they used to!” Let’s go find some that do. I am still beautiful, worthy and capable of looking fabulous. It is not my fault that these clothes were not made for my body type. I am a work in progress, and I should respect myself enough to accept the skin I am in. Confidence is welcomed and admired, listening to someone constantly talk about why they are ugly, is just a bummer. (Apologies to everyone who had to listen to me ramble on and on.)
  2. (I thought cardigans were my best friend, even when it was super hot outside.) How silly of me, really. I was making myself suffer because I was letting the world tell me that my arms were too flabby and unworthy of fresh air. Sweaty armpits do not feel or smell good, stop doing that to yourself!
  3. (I no longer could find a comfortable bra. Ironically, I found sports bras fit the best.) Hey, at least you are not being poked by a painful underwire and are ready for a workout at any moment. Do not sweat it, or do. Are other women like you or heavier set, just letting things hang out? Go ask them where they shop, they are thinking and feeling human beings just like you. Stop shaming yourself. **Really though, I am looking for bras, help a sister out.
  4. (People treat me differently.) Okay listen, everyone is fighting a battle within themselves. Sometimes they may use you to build themselves up but do not take it personally. We all have an idea of who or what we want to be like. Do you want to be a judgemental or a close-minded person? No? Then do not return the hate, or allow yourself to receive it! Treat yourself, and walk away with a clear conscience. [ insert hair flip here ]
  5. (I started to doubt myself more often.) At the end of the day, a happy person is more desirable to be around. Do not rob yourself or others of experiences because you feel less than. The people in your life love you and want to enjoy their time with you, not the you that is ashamed of yourself. So start going to bed feeling grateful for living your life, not wishing that you had chosen to do so.

My hopes are that these silent screams will be heard and openly discussed. I know that I kept these thoughts to myself and it only allowed me to add more negative thoughts to the pile until I stopped trying to love myself. Also, I was ashamed that I did not ever consider these things until I got into this situation. It stung a little when I thought about how rude or insensitively hurtful I had been towards others in the past. Well, never again. [Shame on me that I did not see it sooner.]

Tonight, I want to leave you with a recipe I have put together. It is Keto-friendly and also gluten-free. Trust me, it is NOT one of those things that just looks good and tastes disgusting in real life. Try it, or share it with someone who might enjoy it. Whether you choose to or not, I just want to encourage you to be kind to yourself and love the skin you are in today.

Berry-licious Pie with a Coconut flour Crust

IMG_3190 2IMG_3194.jpg

Filling
2 lbs strawberries, blueberries
1/2 cup erithrytol sweetener (I used this one, Erythritol Granules by Anthony’s)

3 oz sugar-free strawberry jello mix
1 cup water
Crust
1/2 cup butter (I used unsalted Kerrygold butter)
2 eggs
1/4 cup erithrytol sweetener
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup coconut flour (sifted)
Procedure
1. Combine crust ingredients, roll into a ball and flatten it upon the pan. Bake at 350 for 12 mins. Set aside to cool.
2. Bring the water and erithrytol sweetener to a boil in a pot, turn off the heat then pour in the jello mix and stir until it all comes together.
3. Slice the strawberries however you like and place them on the crust, along with the blueberries. Pour the mixture over the berries within the crust, cover it and put it in the fridge to set for 4 hours. Enjoy! Add whipped cream and/or ice-cream if you wish!

Hope I brought some relevant screams to life, if you have any thoughts to share, please continue the conversation! Thank you for reading.

Love, Ashley.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally my first post, it only took me 3 years.

by ashleywlane, posted in Self Expression, Self-Help

Whoever is listening, thank you!

I have finally conjured up the courage to launch this blog and get it running. Silent Screams, Heard has always been an idea I have kept locked up in a filing cabinet with all my other thoughts. To be super honest, I am still searching for a clear direction and plan to create this space into exactly what I want it to be. [ But, hello Ashley, these things do not just appear and grow within thin air. ] So here I am. And yay for me, here you are! Thank you.

This first silent scream derives from, da da da-da, my INSECURITY.

There, I said it. Okay, now that you have read it, there is no turning back now.

This scares me, putting myself “out there” still makes me want to vomit. My guts are in a knot and I want to close the screen to my Mac and sip on some tea in the corner of my sectional sofa, where I always sit.

My first act of bravery was when I created an Instagram account for my writing, https://www.instagram.com/slient_screams_heard/. I do not know exactly what came over me, but I did it and it still exists today. Let me tell you a secret, I once had a full poetry book manuscript typed up and ready to go once, 10 years ago, but because I was so afraid, I deleted it. Perhaps, sharing words and poetry on a platform designed for gorgeous photographs just made more sense, (insert sarcastic chuckle here) it did to me somehow anyway. Also, I created this blog and paid for its theme, three years ago and literally let it sit.

This is a HUGE turning point here people!

My personal struggle with being an Instagram writer has to do with the friends I know in real-life who follow my account. Knowing that they are there has hindered my willingness to be fearlessly creative and daring. I have found myself playing things safe and I am now kicking myself in the bottom and challenging myself to rise above my insecurities so that I can hopefully inspire at least one person to do the same. Come on one person, whoever you are, please tell me you actually exist on the other side of this screen!

What is my point? Well, hopefully you have chuckled at me at least once while reading and asked yourself what I was waiting for. Well, my turn. What are YOU waiting for? Is there something keeping you from going after what you want? (Comment if you are feeling brave or wish to share what helped you rise above your fear.)

So for now, I leave you with a promise that I will be humanly open and honest with you as I work to battle my insecurities, for all to see. I plan to post once a week, every Friday night. (Keep me accountable, if no one is reading, then I pray this blog does not sit for another 3 years.)

Screenshot_2018-07-09 Poetry + Screams Ashley Lane on Instagram “I learned what “intranet” meant today Like many of you, my[...]

Please feel free to email me at WhereScreamsareHeard@gmail.com if you wish to discuss anything that is nagging at you privately, or comment on this post with topics or issues you would like to be discussed!

Love, Ashley.