Category: Self Expression

Silent Scream: I cannot wait to rip off my wedding rings

by ashleywlane, posted in encouragement, Marriage, mental health, Self Expression, Self-Help, weight gain

These rings have been stuck upon my finger for a very long time and are a constant reminder of my struggles.

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I sit around and think about how amazing it would be to hand them back to the jeweler.

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Every single time I look down at my finger and see my rings on there, it drives me insane.

I absolutely cannot wait to rip off my wedding rings, so I can FINALLY take them in to get properly cleaned! I have tried to use baking soda with lemon, window cleaner, brushing it with an old toothbrush under hot running water, everything. Also, even when I can get it to look decent, there is no hiding the fatty skin that surrounds my ring. It acts as though it is some form of bustier for my overweight finger.

No, I am not fat shaming myself or anyone else. No, I am not saying that beauty comes in one size. Though, I will not beat around the bush and pretend that I am happy with what I see in my reflection or trust myself to be able to run for ten minutes straight through an airport with my broken suitcase in hand because my friends and I are running late and our names are being called over the intercom. Also, that I would not feel like I am about to pass out and die once I finally make it to my seat and apologize to a stranger for smelling like a sausage left out in the sun to roast, again. Yes, this indeed happened and I surely will never forget it.

This past summer I lost a total of 20 pounds and have kept it off since. I then went on a trip to Florida with my friends to celebrate a fun bachelorette weekend for our dear friend Lilian, where I was the one who was kindly but strongly urged to sit in front with Every. Single. Uber driver. Though, according to my best friend, I “handled it well.” I took it with a grain of salt because this was just my reality at the time and I got to sit comfortably near the air-vents, hey girl heyyyy! 

Once, a woman from church just assumed that I did not like vegetables and told my husband that he should convince me to try them because I “got bigger, but [I] still look okay, [I am] still pretty.” Well, at least I am still pretty right? Vegetables? What in the world are those things? (eye-roll + side laughing/crying emoji here)

Side-note: Trust me, I am laughing about this. I am in my season of acceptance. I am able to speak about these things because I am ready to tackle them, please understand that. Perhaps you are fighting this battle alongside me and need others to understand that you are not whining or asking for sympathy. Also, get this, WE ARE ALSO NOT LAZY! (insert grizzly bear growl here)

Can we be real for a moment?

Even though we say things do not bother us, they do. When we say that looks do not matter, we pretty much still think they do. Also, usually when we try and convince ourselves that something is not a problem, it is. — That is why we are discussing it in the first place!

Sympathy really is not what most people are in search for in my opinion, just a genuine understanding and some loving concern, without the added condescending advice.

This is my season towards wellness, and this is my pig-in-a-blanket, ring finger. I have my very own reasons for being where I am today. It has all been said and done, and this is me moving forward.

It is now all about the growth mindset, and everything opposite of learned helplessness.

  • Even if you are not ready to speak, write down your thoughts and reflect upon them.
  • Even if you do not step outside, I hope you at least open your blinds.
  • Even if you do not leave your couch, I hope you at least think about what you will do tomorrow.
  • Even if you do not leave your home, I hope you shower or bathe yourself and enjoy a hot meal.

Stay curious, keep reaching and seek out your next move. This was my way of giving you some honest encouragement, do with it as you wish. Just as long as you keep wishing!

I will keep you all posted on my weight loss journey, and I hope you will be there to celebrate with me when I am finally able to take my rings off and get them sparkly clean!

Please share your stories with me, I would love to hear them. Let’s find acceptance and share some laughs!

Love always, Ashley.

Finally my first post, it only took me 3 years.

by ashleywlane, posted in Self Expression, Self-Help

Whoever is listening, thank you!

I have finally conjured up the courage to launch this blog and get it running. Silent Screams, Heard has always been an idea I have kept locked up in a filing cabinet with all my other thoughts. To be super honest, I am still searching for a clear direction and plan to create this space into exactly what I want it to be. [ But, hello Ashley, these things do not just appear and grow within thin air. ] So here I am. And yay for me, here you are! Thank you.

This first silent scream derives from, da da da-da, my INSECURITY.

There, I said it. Okay, now that you have read it, there is no turning back now.

This scares me, putting myself “out there” still makes me want to vomit. My guts are in a knot and I want to close the screen to my Mac and sip on some tea in the corner of my sectional sofa, where I always sit.

My first act of bravery was when I created an Instagram account for my writing, https://www.instagram.com/slient_screams_heard/. I do not know exactly what came over me, but I did it and it still exists today. Let me tell you a secret, I once had a full poetry book manuscript typed up and ready to go once, 10 years ago, but because I was so afraid, I deleted it. Perhaps, sharing words and poetry on a platform designed for gorgeous photographs just made more sense, (insert sarcastic chuckle here) it did to me somehow anyway. Also, I created this blog and paid for its theme, three years ago and literally let it sit.

This is a HUGE turning point here people!

My personal struggle with being an Instagram writer has to do with the friends I know in real-life who follow my account. Knowing that they are there has hindered my willingness to be fearlessly creative and daring. I have found myself playing things safe and I am now kicking myself in the bottom and challenging myself to rise above my insecurities so that I can hopefully inspire at least one person to do the same. Come on one person, whoever you are, please tell me you actually exist on the other side of this screen!

What is my point? Well, hopefully you have chuckled at me at least once while reading and asked yourself what I was waiting for. Well, my turn. What are YOU waiting for? Is there something keeping you from going after what you want? (Comment if you are feeling brave or wish to share what helped you rise above your fear.)

So for now, I leave you with a promise that I will be humanly open and honest with you as I work to battle my insecurities, for all to see. I plan to post once a week, every Friday night. (Keep me accountable, if no one is reading, then I pray this blog does not sit for another 3 years.)

Screenshot_2018-07-09 Poetry + Screams Ashley Lane on Instagram “I learned what “intranet” meant today Like many of you, my[...]

Please feel free to email me at WhereScreamsareHeard@gmail.com if you wish to discuss anything that is nagging at you privately, or comment on this post with topics or issues you would like to be discussed!

Love, Ashley.