Tag: mental health

Silent Scream: I cannot stop silencing myself

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

I am still here, did you notice my absence? I sure did. Felt it in every part of my gut. —-Still recovering.

“If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all.”

I have not grown completely mute, just incredibly aware and overwhelmed with logic. My processing times are much longer these days, though my responses are ones I still wish I could edit. [barf bag please] My personal goal is to be all-loving, open-minded and encouraging. Though, this makes me too careful with my speech. However, when I am completely appalled by something, my mouth speaks before I think and it is pretty ugly. Whoops.

My writing account on Instagram (@Silent_Screams_Heard) sat for most of the year. I cannot tell you how many posts I sent out and quickly reeled all the way back in. I archived some and deleted most. All because I was too concerned with the message I was putting out and did not want anything to be taken the wrong way. But, who am I to control how someone is going to perceive me or my work? Really, who am I to do that? Also, who am I? Do I even know anymore? Woah.

3 Notes to Self for the New Year

1. Stop apologizing so much.

I am sorry that I am sorry, all. the. time. I am that person who apologizes for being in your way at the store, as if my presence is keeping you from going on about your day and I am hindering your plans by taking up time. You bet I am that person who makes small talk with the cashier but is also scrambling to get all of my stuff cleared so the person behind me can check-out and be on their way. [ugh, exhausting] Why do I do this to myself?

A friend suggested that I should instead switch things around and say, “Thank you,” instead. For example, “Thank you for taking the time to help me today.” Instead of something I would usually say, “Sorry for taking you away from your family today.” This might sound absolutely silly to you, but imagine the difference it makes! Try it, I dare you. Replace guilt with gratitude. Not to say we were not thankful in the first place, but this time we are putting a more positive spin on it. Make sense?

2. Trust your process.

The best thing I could have done for myself was to love and accept myself like I love and respect others. Isn’t that a shame? Ever talk yourself down to someone in the first ten minutes of meeting them and things get really uncomfortable? Suddenly, you are receiving sympathy and words of advice, then it becomes time to talk your way out of this horrible hole you dug yourself in. [mortifying]

I knew I was doing this, but there I was, telling my story like it was an elevator speech that read: I HAVE HAD A DIFFICULT TIME, BUT I AM STILL PRETTY GREAT, REALLY I AM. Does not sound so intriguing does it?

What a humiliating realization this was. It was not until I fully accepted that my age, my marriage status, my career status and lifestyle choices were parts of me that made me, ME! [insert cave echo here] It was when I took a bat to the annoying record player that always played the same song, you know, the one that talks about —-what I should be doing, wearing, driving or where I should be living by now, or whatever. Trash the timelines that do not have your name written on them, and instead work with what you have. Sounds elementary, but your attitude is everything. Love yourself. Trust me, we all need to.

3. Weigh your values upon your own scale.

Stop chasing someone else’s dream. Seriously, it is not worth it. There is not one way to go and one size does NOT fit all. We all know this, don’t we? But, do we choose to really believe it? Have we internalized the advice we give to others or are the printed sayings framed on our walls just for show? Ouch.

Think about your circle of friends, reflect upon the different lenses/perspectives of life through their eyes. Reflect upon the way you do things and how differently you have seen them done by others. You know, those “things” you only speak of in confidence with your spouse or with your best friends. This is us passing judgement, with our own personal views of “better living” or “the correct approach.” Though, who are we to judge someone else’s capabilities, intentions or potential?

Again, who are THEY to judge our capabilities, intentions and potential?! Simply, as the saying goes, “You do you.”

There is a saying I live by, “What others think about you, is not your business.” I do not know who said it, but I think it is important to keep in mind. People respond with their own understanding, knowledge, personal experiences and current emotions. That is way too much noise to decipher with all that is you, at the moment. Define success, happiness and wellness for yourself, then redefine them if necessary. All is well, as long as YOU are solely the one doing so.

Speak up and be kind to yourself.

Happy New Years! It is just another day, though another chance to do things differently. Do not tackle this year with one word in mind, or do…. You do you!

Love, Ashley

 

Silent Scream: “My anxiety is winning.”

by ashleywlane, posted in Self-Help

Hello everyone!

This week has been a whirlwind of self-reflection, more than usual. I am very aware of myself, to the point of where I am constantly apologizing for myself and rushing myself along as if I am taking up space. [It is insane.]

There are moments when I wish I could just interact with people and things without investing myself entirely in them. Meaning, if someone would tell me that they are struggling with something, I could offer some advice and support without constantly feeling the need to intercede and check up on them. Meaning, that I would not over obsess about making sure things are getting done correctly so that all involved will be happy.

I cannot control everything, I know this, but my anxiety does not listen or rest.

5 things I did this week to ease my mind:

  1. Water Aerobics– I made the conscious effort of getting myself outside and moving. I was welcomed by the refreshing feeling of my pool’s belly as I floated weightlessly. There were birds flying by and planes making their way across. Children were laughing in the distance and the leaves upon the tree branches were waving delicately. I had one of those —- why don’t I always do this, moments.
  2. Drink More Water– My husband gifted me a Soji Energy water bottle. This specific one has a citrine quartz crystal in it. It is supposed to promote abundance and mindfulness. I am still learning and deciding if I truly believe in the power of crystal infused water, however, it represents a step towards wellness and that is enough for me! Staying hydrated really calmed down the self-inflicted headaches I give myself.
  3. Find Creative Outlets– I have always written, but I made more of a point to write in my journals and not in the notes section of my phone. I rediscovered the joys of scribbling my thoughts upon paper and attempting to draw, which I am terrible at. I even dabbled with designing t-shirts on teespring.com. It kept my mind busy and helped me relieve some tension.
  4. Make Fun Plans- I tend to push leisurely gatherings aside for those of whom I feel need my assistance with something. It is a bittersweet habit because I am getting relief from helping others, but I am not putting myself in situations where I can be helped. Does that make sense? Do you find yourself doing this too? It is okay to have fun! Do not lose sight of this, I cannot believe that I do at times.
  5. Say Yes to Myself- I had to remember to treat myself kindly. Just recently this summer, I started getting my nails done regularly. I used to brush it off and say that it is a waste of money and that it was “materialistic.” I had to remind myself that glamorous things do not take away from what I have to offer as a person. I find that it enhances my attitude towards myself, and in return, allows me to be kinder to others.

I am a little conflicted. There is a hate/love relationship I am having with anxiety. I feel like it should not hold me back but on the other hand, I believe we must let it fuel us. We should allow it to help us continue to re-create ourselves along with it. I will continue feeling each emotion and caring for others but I will also continue revising my techniques and approaches. I will continue anticipating things going wrong, at least in the long run, it helps me stay prepared. [ win-win ]

Personally, having anxiety has taught me that I just simply care too much, and I have decided that I will not apologize for it anymore.

Anxiety has given me many sets of new eyes, but mainly good ones. Ones that help me look through fake masks and public images. Ones that allow me opportunities to see and help those who are too afraid to ask. It may cause me to become obsessed and overly involved, but I would not want it any other way! Sure, there are still many kinks I will need to work out but the bottom line is that I must not leave myself behind. As long as anxiety is winning, I must win with it.

Find what fuels you today. I hope you enjoyed hearing about my journey with anxiety and I wish you all the best in whatever you are living with today. Do not leave yourself behind!

Love, Ashley.

Curious about Teespring.com?

  • Teespring allows people to design and sell shirts, pillows, mugs and other items without any upfront costs. Here are some examples of my designs, I feel like writers need more cute choices, perhaps you could be the person to design some for us?